Beginning of a New Year
by encryptedeyes11
Summary: Set in late season four, pre-Caskett, on the last night of the year. Richard Castle is sitting on a bench in Central Park minutes before midnight, and his mind drifts towards Kate Beckett. His thoughts are interrupted when he finds her standing in front of him, wringing her hands and biting her lip nervously, and he braces himself from the words that are going to tear him apart.
1. Castle's POV

**This fic is set somewhere around late season four of Castle, pre-Caskett. I am trying to get over the writer's block that has been over me for months.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle in any way at all. But for my birthday, I certainly wouldn't mind getting the rights to it. Just putting that out there. **

It's New Year's Eve and Richard Castle is sitting alone at a bench in Central Park, watching fireworks explode above his head as he contemplates the year that was quickly coming to an end.

He presses his iPhone's home button, the bright screen illuminating his down face, as he glances at the time shown on the phone.

11:47

Castle sighs and glances at the breath taking display above him, which normally he would be awed by, but right now, his mood had been down (so to speak).

His thoughts quickly catch up to him and his mind drifts unconsciously back to the person he was thinking about before he checked his phone.

The mysterious (and hot as hell) Kate Beckett.

Castle's brows furrow as he remembers her startling confession when she was in the box with the suspect. She had said that she had been shot and remembered every single second.

Remembering that scene sends a jolt of pain flashing through his heart and he literally feels an ache in his chest as he wonders why.

He loved her. No, loves her. Despite the words she said that had struck him, he knew that whatever he would do, no matter how much he would try to move on from her, that he would always love her.

He wants to be angry at her, at least feel some remorse over the fact that she had lied about her memory, but he can't.

_Maybe she thinks she's being kind,_ he thinks. _She couldn't love me, so she's trying to be nice about it and not bringing it up._

Something tugged at his memory and he remembers.

Kate's wrought stricken face when he said that he was planning to shadow another detective.

Her face when he rolled up to the crime scene in his Ferrari with the hot, blonde girl who certainly was good in bed. She almost looked like she lo-

_No,_ he thought. D_on't think about it. Don't make this more complicated than it really is._

Castle's thoughts were interrupted wen he heard the familiar clack of heels against the cracked pavement of the park, and he looked up, feeling as if he were in a dream.

In front of him stood Beckett, who wring her hands and chewed at her lip, which he immediately identified as a tell. She was nervous about something, and he knew what it was- she was finally going to tell him about the truth and how she doesn't like (or love him, but what does it matter?) the way he does.

"Castle," her voice trembles and he tries to brace himself against the words he knows she is going to say, words that will scar him and pick at his heart. He hopes that she will just get over it and say it out loud bluntly, so he can just put this behind him. But what she says isn't what he expects.

"Can we talk?"

**I would certainly love reviews, and constructive criticism is appreciated. I am going to update this pretty soon, maybe tomorrow or a couple of days from now. Happy New Year!**


	2. Beckett's POV

It was New Year's Eve and Kate Beckett was at her couch, wearing a tank top and sweatpants, trying to figure out what to do about Castle.

He said he loved her. And how did she respond to that?

She played an amnesiac. Kate pretended to not know of his obvious feelings towards her and it hurt him.

She could see it in his eyes. How could she not? Every time he handed her her daily cup of coffee (which he had stopped doing a few cases ago) and brushed the tips of his fingers against hers, his eyes always darted up to meet hers. His blue eyes never failed to catch the hazel irises of her own and the loving gazes he gave her were too strong that she had to look away, she wasn't ready.

She'd tried to tell him. She said that she had built walls around her, armor against betrayal and pain and agony. She had talked about the barriers, the ones she had tried so hard to break down.

She had said that they were crumbling. That she had chiseled almost each chip and that it was almost gone. Kate even told him about her therapist, a stranger at first who she had barely trusted, but slowly become used to. She thought he had understood.

Then he went and followed Slaughter, a man who she couldn't believe he would be able to stand. She had never thought she would see the day where Rick Castle, the man who had followed her even in dire situations, would stop shadowing her.

Kate wasn't stupid. She had regretted saying those words, _I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it,_ to Bobby. As soon as she uttered those words, she felt a sick feeling settle in her stomach.

When she came out of the box, the steaming cup of coffee that stood on top of her desk strengthened that nauseous feeling. She had hoped he wasn't there. She didn't want to find out whether Castle had heard her, but she couldn't stand the feeling of simply just not knowing.

Beckett asked Esposito, who had confirmed her suspicions: Castle was in the observation room. Upon hearing that, she immediately ran to her desk and grabbed her signature trench coat and proceeded to walk to the elevator while Ryan and Esposito tried to ask if she was alright.

"I'm fine, I just need something to do. Can you guys cover for me?" She had said, and they agreed, giving her one last look of brotherly affection.

Kate went home immediately, because although she wanted to go straight to Castle, she needed to at least gather her thoughts and build up her courage.

She glanced at the clock:

11:27

Sighing, she threw on a sweat shirt and put on jeans and shoes, pulling out her phone and dialing Alexis' number.

The phone rang for a few moments before Kate heard a click and a hesitant greeting.

"Alexis? It's me, Kate. Listen, I know this is bad timing, but-"

Her response was cut off when the girl flung questions at her.

"Detective?! Do you know where my father is? I can't find hi-"

This time it was Beckett's turn to interrupt her slew of questions.

"Alexis? What do you mean you don't know where your father is?" She asked.

"He came home about an hour ago and he seemed depressed. He shook off my attempts to comfort him so I went upstairs and I thought that he needed alone time," Alexis said, her voice trembling. "I came down just a few minutes ago and he wasn't here. I checked his room, I checked everywhere. Gram doesn't even know where he is!"

Beckett's pulse quickened as she tried to control her breathing- Alexis needed her now and panicking would not help the frenzied state she was in.

"Listen, you and Martha calm down and just either give me or the precinct a call if you hear from him. And don't worry Alexis. I will find him."

She heard a relived sigh on the younger girl's end. "Detective. Thank you. Just, please find him, and don't mess it up."

Kate didn't need an explanation for that last bit, she knew that Alexis was not stupid and that she knew that tensions had grown between her father and the detective.

"I'll do my best, Alexis," Beckett said in an effort console her as she hung up.

In the elevator, she dialed Ryan, and on the third ring he picked up.

"Listen, Ryan," Kate started. "I need you to track Castle's phone right now,"

"Beckett? Wh-what's goin-"

She cut him off. "Kevin, I really don't have enough time for questions, I'll explain everything later. But right now, I really need Castle's location."

Sensing the urgency and hastiness of Beckett, he complied, pulling the location off of his phone using the GPS which he had turned on.

"Beckett," Ryan said. "He's at Central Park, at a bench in the south end."

She hung up and ran to the car and she immediately raced through the traffic, intent on finding Castle.

Kate made it to the park and she ran through the crowds of people who were looking up at the sky and congregating near a fountain.

All she cared about was making it to Castle and explaining everything to him. She ignored the sharp pain in her feet, as she had pulled on her closest shoes, which were her heels.

Beckett almost gave up hope when she had searched through almost the entire south end before she saw a momentary flash of light at her right, which caught her attention.

Making her way as quietly as possible, she walked over to where she had seen the light, finding a bench with someone gazing up at the sky sitting on it. She tried to see who it was, but the faint moonlight only showed her the person's silhouette.

A loud crack resounded from above her and white sparks erupted, granting her enough light to catch a glimpse of who the man was: Castle.

Steeling her nerves, Beckett walked over to Castle and he looked up at her. She was taken aback at how forlorn he looked, dark bags under his eyes and a slouched position. It struck her that she was the reason he was this way, and she felt guilt flash through her.

Kate wrung her fingers and chewed her lip, trying to find the courage to continue.

"Castle," she hesitantly said. "We need to talk."

* * *

**I apologize for taking a long time to update, I had tried to log in from my laptop and I couldn't for some reason. I wanted to say thank you for the amazing response that I had received! It truly made my day when I received all the emails regarding all the follows. I also forgot to mention: I shifted the timeline so as to fit the story. Anyways, until the next time I update!**


	3. All They Needed

Glancing up at her, Castle just sighed and buried his face in the palms of his hands.

Taking the fact that he didn't try to push her away as a yes, Beckett sat down on the other end of the bench, making sure to keep a good amount of space between the two of their bodies, not wanting to push his limits.

"Castle, I- I can explain everything. Just please hear me out."

Again, Castle said nothing. He merely leaned back on the bench and tilted his head back, watching the display above him and the showering sparks.

Taking a deep breath, Beckett kept on going.

"Castle, I know you heard me, but it's not what it seems," she said, looking at him. "I thought you understood, Rick, that I-"

He interrupted her and said, "Understand what? That you lied to me? You heard me, Kate. If you were just dragging along, you should just go ahead and tell me, put a man out of his misery."

Taking in a shuddering breath, he sat up and looked at the detective, whose eyes were glassy with unshed tears that were threatening to spill.

"I saw you die in that ambulance, Kate. Your heart stopped, and I thought I would never see you alive then. Now, every time I close my eyes, I see you die. Everything reminded me of you, and I thought I'd never be with you again."

Tears slipped down his face, leaving wet tracks behind.

Her plan to talk things out, or at least what there was of it, shattered when she saw his tears. She had never seen him cry before- not once.

Not knowing what to do, she grasped his hand, which lay on his leg. Castle moved his hand back, scooting himself away from her.

Hurt flashed through her eyes, unsure of how she was supposed to react, but she decided to keep going as if that one little gesture did not bother her.

"I thought you understood," Kate started again. "There were a lot of things that made me doubt what you had said."

Before Castle could respond, she continued on, looking down to her lap.

"At first I thought it was a hallucination- apparently during life or death situations, it's common to make up things in your mind as a way to try to hold on, and I really thought it was the end, Rick. And then you came in nervously with that smile of yours, and I knew that what I had thought happened really did occur. You asked me if I remembered, and I -I panicked."

Her voice trembled, and shame licked at her, knowing that she could have handled that situation far better than she did.

"I was already having problems, you know, with letting people in, ever since mom died. I thought that maybe just a couple weeks of therapy, and I would be okay. Then, I would tell you."

By then, Castle had looked at her, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"T-Tell me what?"

Taking a deep breath, Beckett knew that that was it. She said the words she had rehearsed quickly, not wanting to lose the temporary courage she had built up.

"That I remembered, and I love you too."

A scary and awkward silence suddenly descended upon them, the two still trying to process what she had just said out loud.

"You do?" Castle said, a hint of a smile lifting the corners of his mouth.

"Yeah." she looked up, meeting his eyes, and let slip a small grin, matching his expression.

"So.. So we like... We love each other?" Castle asked, his voice tinged with joy, his grim demeanor gone.

Leaning forward, Kate grabbed the lapels of his jacked and gently tugged him closer as her lips touched his. The moment seemed so surreal, his lips grazing against hers as they stayed in that position for a few moments, not wanting to end the feeling of finally kissing each other.

They finally broke away, and Kate gazed up at him. "Yeah. I love you too."

:

There were still many, many things in both of their lives they needed to fix, but at that moment, what they had was all they needed


End file.
